With Heavy Heart

Dedicated to Ang:

I have had a very heavy heart lately. I can actually tell a difference physically. My shoulders are somewhat slumped and things bring me much less joy than they normally do. I guess for some this would shoot up a red flag alerting the person of a definite wave of depression. No. It goes deeper than that. My heartstrings are being wrenched.

The day before I left for Europe I received a call from a close friend. She had the thankless job of informing me that one of my best friends had received shocking, horrible news just a couple of hours earlier. My best friend's two year old daughter Tegan had just been diagnosed with cancer... she wanted me to know, but couldn't bring herself to make the call. I shot out of Borders bookstore like a bat out of --- you know where. The book-lined walls were quickly caving in on me. The lights, the noise. I couldn't breathe. This could not be happening. This should not be happening.

I couldn't get into the car fast enough before my chest was heaving from my sobbing. As I struggled to find the phone number to my friend (fat finger syndrome) I tried to focus my mind. It was made up --- I would cancel my trip, buy a ticket and fly West. The phone rang and I had no sooner heard her voice that I completely lost it. I was of no use to my friend. What do you say to someone except for "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Of course I would pray during the days that would follow, but sometimes we want to DO something. Bake a cake or a casserole, clean a house, drive to an appointment.

Of course, my friend didn't need me there. Her parents were already on the way and she has a wonderful extensive family & network. There was nothing only I could do. T finally made it to the car and in his own beautiful understanding way offered to cancel the trip so I could travel West. I hadn't even mentioned my thoughts and yet he knew me so perfectly as to offer. It was truly a selfless gesture. I'll always love him for offering. After much discussion and prayer we decided that to go forward with our plans while awaiting more news about the cancer.

I won't lie. The news about Tegan did have an effect on my trip. Almost every time I found myself feeling grateful for the time with M & T, I would instantly feel sorrow for Tegan and her parents. I was definitely going through the grieving process, but was stuck in the denial step because I had heard no new updates. At least at that point denial was better than anger. Then the next call came. I was standing in the Mediterranean Sea with M when I learned that things were worse than previously thought. Tegan was found to have MRT (Malignant Rhabdoid Tumor) and would need extensive chemotherapy despite the fact that rates of recovery are alarmingly minuscule. Anger stage here we come. I was there for several weeks. I tried my hand at bargaining. Yep, I think I'm in the depression stage.

I have decided to not stay in the depression stage. I can't. There's no time. If Tegan and her family can fight, I can fight. What can I do? She doesn't need a casserole. They don't need me at the hospital. I can talk about Tegan. I can write about Tegan. I can let you know about this fabulous little girl that is fighting for her life. I can tell you that her family needs your prayers. I can also tell you that they would appreciate anything you can do to ease their burden (see the webpage). Oh, and what a burden it is.

I refuse to be content to sit on my rear hoping someone will ask for help. I am organizing a major garage sale fundraiser for Tegan & family. If you live in my area, please go through your home/garage and look for things you no longer use to donate to the event. If you are far away, please find it in your heart and budget to donate what you can to this incredible family. You can follow Tegan's progress on her very own blog by clicking on her cutie-pie face to the right. Or you can click here. She needs a miracle. I'm sure the Lord will give her what she needs. And maybe, just maybe, we can all be part of it.