Last Sunday, April 27th, I was released from my calling as Relief Society President. Thankfully, a kind Heavenly Father prepared me for the news by sending those quiet promptings that speak volumes when you actually take time to listen. So it came as no surprise when the Bishop broke the news that evening in his office. This isn't the first time I've served in this calling, or in any other, so I thought I was sufficiently prepared for the "change." You know. The "change" that happens when the mantle of stewardship/authority is taken from you. Everyone wants to know that they've done enough. Been enough -- for the members, the Bishop, the Lord. I would venture to guess that each of us wants to know: Has my offering been accepted of the Lord? This is a question that can only be answered during those times of prayer when all of your inadequacies creep into your mind and then a bright shining ray of mercy comes breaking through, reminding you of His mercy, love and grace during these times.
As I've reflected on the past 2 1/2 years I've systematically gone through different encounters with sisters. There have been some amazingly spiritual events. Miracles at almost every turn. There have been some shocking events too. I have been called names that don't exist my vocabulary. Gratefully, the Lord has blessed me with a thick skin and a vision of the divine nature of each of these sisters that has shielded me from taking these things personally. This has truly been a gift of the Spirit for which I have been grateful. I'd like to, however, write about my toughest struggle. I am still working through it, so forgive me for how raw it might appear. There is a dear sister I know who has on more than one occasion called me a "busybody." I want you to know that I looked up the word in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster has this as a definition: "An officious or inquisitive person." Sure. I'm inquisitive, but what does officious mean? Same dictionary - officious means: "volunteering one's services where they are neither asked nor needed : meddlesome." Ouch. So I tucked it away in my mind thinking, don't be officious, don't be officious. She has called me a busybody a total of three times. Listen here. I don't like knowing everyone's darkest secrets. I don't share things that have been told to me in confidence. I don't like when the bulk of the Welfare meeting assignments come to me. I don't like reporting to the Bishop that in fact we have only 33% activity rate and everyone was not visited this past month. It is a lonely calling. Noone wants to take your phone call because I might be calling with an assignment. People are suspicious of your intentions, believing that my concern/friendliness is "fake." Trust me, you cannot be fake and do this calling the right way. I have simply been on the Lord's errand. I have been doing my calling, caring for the sisters temporally & spiritually... and knowing people's business is part of that calling. Most people don't think twice about the RSP being involved in their business, it's almost an automatic. Almost. If my body seemed busy it's because it was. Now it's left to me to re-examine each conversation and visit to see if there's truth to her claim, heaven knows I'm not perfect. If there is no truth I want an answer to why such a mean thing would be said. Please Lord, make my skin much thicker than humanly possible.
In the Filipino culture when someone in your family dies you wear black for a minimum of 30 days. The spouse wears black for a year. I'm wearing black today. I wore it yesterday. I will probably wear it tomorrow. At that point I will need to probably go out and buy more black clothing. I am in mourning. Mourning for my reason to be involved in the lives of my sisters. I don't know when I will finish this grieving process, but last Thursday I turned over my RSP black binder. Yesterday I turned over my keys. I don't want to be RSP again. The Lord is done with me for now. I just want the emptiness to go away. Now. Not tomorrow. Oh well. Good thing black is slimming.
Oh T, I feel very sorry for you. My heart is hurting in your behalf. I was just thinking yesterday about being released as the Leader of the Primary Yelling, and couldn't decide whether I would feel more joy or sadness upon release. Bittersweet, definitely. There have come times when I've been released from other callings when I could finally say "I'm so glad I'm not doing that anymore!" No more meetings, or Sunday business, or whatever. I hope that moment comes quickly for you.
ReplyDeleteYou have described exactly the way I felt when released from the same calling. It DOES get better. However, T, you cannot second guess the decisions that were made during your tenure. You cannot completely understand what combination of past experiences, or lack thereof, brought one sister to label you. You know you were doing as you had been prompted. You had a challenging assignment that cannot be completely comprehended, even by someone who has been there, because the personalities and problems are different in every circumstance.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you could spend the rest of your earthly days trying to understand 'busybody' sister. If it causes you to second guess yourself, your testimony, the sweetness of the calling you just relinquished, or the Lord, she is claiming too much of you. Best to pray for her shell to soften, and let the Lord find the way to make it happen, rather than try to thicken your own perimeter. There WILL come a time for her when things become clear and she sees more of what you saw, understands more of what you were asked to do, and hopefully, asks forgiveness for adjectives used indiscriminately. If it is not in this estate, it will still happen.
Since you've already turned over binder and keys, perhaps you can find a way to 'turn her over' to someone else...either literally or figuratively. Write her name on a piece of paper. Pray for her with the love of a RSP. Then, shred the paper and let it be the Lord's situation to handle.
I am not asking you not to grieve; the void left when the mantle is removed is very real. But this is a time when remembering the ninety and nine is better for you, at least right now, than to remember the one.
I pray that you will feel the sweetness of all of the good things you were able to do. And, cherish this 'time off' deeply. It is short-lived!
Maggie- Thank you for your suggestions.
ReplyDeleteNow. I just wish I knew who you are...any hints?
Oh Goody! A guessing game! Can you name this person in...one hint?
ReplyDeleteLoriantumr.
That might not be enough. The other T has been gone from this place for quite awhile, and, as I think about it, you might not have known the above person with that nickname.
It's also probably the only really good "clue" kind of thing I have, so I'm crossing my fingers!
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ReplyDeleteMy comments about who I am? Yes, THOSE were a little tongue in cheek. T's other half should recognize the reference to Loriantumr. This T, probably not, since you and I only really met a time or two. My intent was not to be mean, but to maintain some online privacy.
ReplyDeleteI'm mother to a PG high school friend, referenced above.
YIPPEE!! I know exactly who you are Maggie. I was confused with the Loriantumr reference because I know she's posted before under a different name. Knowing you're her mother is the missing piece to the puzzle. Glad to have you along for our crazy ride!
ReplyDeleteThank you for welcoming me!
ReplyDeleteYou should know I lived in the area you are in one summer - I was pregnant with that specific daughter. Aside from not ever knowing which direction I was facing because of no mountains for reference, I abhored the humidity! My hair style was 'flat and stringy' the whole summer. Clothes and bedding never felt dry to me. I could continue...
just know you have my sympathetic understanding!
Glad to see you and Maggie are reacquainted. In other news, you're the most fabulous person I know. The best RSP, the best mexican food cook, the best conversationalist, and possibly one of the all around best humans traipsing around the earth. From one busybody to another, I salute you. Enjoy this brief break my friend, God's not finished with you yet.
ReplyDelete