A while back I heard this song and just about lost it. I guess this song had its unexpected effects for the simple reason that besides being my "anniversary" month, August is the month of M's birthday. Hello? Her BIRTHday, as in, the day she came into the world and our lives forever.
Besides the obvious emotions that get rolling at a feverish boil when I think of the phone call that changed our lives - I also have intense, gut-wrenching guilt. Guilt for: having a child when there are still those waiting with empty arms, not always taking the time to play LEGO's or color, or cuddle her -- you know, like I said I would back when things were different. I would do all the right things, I promised myself. I had to do it. For both mothers.
I don't care what anyone says - you can NOT go through prolonged infertility without having it change you. Maybe others have been successful at releasing that part of them, but honestly, I don't want to. I want to always be as grateful as when we got "THE" phone call... as grateful as I was when M's birthmother placed her in my arms, and I was sure my heart would break from sadness for her loss. N (M's birthmother) not only trusted M to me -- she trusted me to do what she could not do at the time. This, along with a million other things, keeps me trying to be the very best mom I can be to M.
Besides the obvious emotions that get rolling at a feverish boil when I think of the phone call that changed our lives - I also have intense, gut-wrenching guilt. Guilt for: having a child when there are still those waiting with empty arms, not always taking the time to play LEGO's or color, or cuddle her -- you know, like I said I would back when things were different. I would do all the right things, I promised myself. I had to do it. For both mothers.
I don't care what anyone says - you can NOT go through prolonged infertility without having it change you. Maybe others have been successful at releasing that part of them, but honestly, I don't want to. I want to always be as grateful as when we got "THE" phone call... as grateful as I was when M's birthmother placed her in my arms, and I was sure my heart would break from sadness for her loss. N (M's birthmother) not only trusted M to me -- she trusted me to do what she could not do at the time. This, along with a million other things, keeps me trying to be the very best mom I can be to M.
Thank you N. Not only do I always see you in M's eyes, but in her ability to love others more than self.
(Note: I've placed the song in it's own playlist box to the right...enjoy!)
(Note: I've placed the song in it's own playlist box to the right...enjoy!)
In My Daughter's Eyes
Performed by Martina McBride
Performed by Martina McBride
In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes
everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daugter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes
Your post gave me chills and tears. M is truly a precious gift and you and T are awesome parents!
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet post...You are a great mom!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I have always loved that song!
I'm so glad you are back to writing in your blog. I missed you. By the way, you're a GREAT mom. Don't ever think anything less than that. You're also a great wife. Heck, you put up with my T.....you have to be great! J/K Mom
ReplyDeleteWe're also so glad that Miranda is in your lives as well as ours! We love you guys!
ReplyDeleteWhat a tear jerker! Especially since I recently found myself pondering along those same lines as we celebrated a big TWO! I imagine it gets more amazing the longer you do it.
ReplyDeleteKudo's to you and T on the great job you are doing and the great daughter you've been blessed with.
My good friend Tanya once told me that you can cure childlessness but you can't cure infertility.
ReplyDeleteThose were some of the wisest words I've ever heard because it is so true. I don't know how much that really adds to this post, but it made a difference to ME.
thanks for coming to visit my blog! that makes me feel good that people i don't know (yet) care about what i have to say, or, at least, think its kind of interesting. :)
ReplyDeleteand thanks for your advice about not taking the vietnamese nail technician personally. i understand what you are saying because i served a mission with a lot of hispanics and it was very similar--to describe somebody to you, they might say "he's very fat and bald" and not mean it the least bit rude, just an obvious fact.
anyway, now i'm lurking on your blog. what a beautiful daughter! aren't we so lucky to have our lives blessed through adoption!?